The Fox at Dawn


January 16th -19th
January 21, 2019, 1:43 pm
Filed under: Art of the Day, Eating Disorder aka Edie | Tags: ,
Because her labs are now good, the insurance company wants to send her home. As if it’s a broken arm that visibly heals. Yep, not broken anymore, you’re well now, go home. Well, no. Not yet. So the battle begins, continues, on and on and on.

This weekend was Family Weekend at the treatment center. Friday’s presentation was on the medical complications of eating disorders. The kind of information you can only look at though a mirror or you’ll be turned to stone.

If EDie knocks on your door, do not let her in if you can prevent it. But she may slip in when you’re trying to get the cat in, you might not even notice her. At first she looks small and innocent, if you happen to see her flit from shadow to shadow. But in the darkness she grows and when she at last reveals herself, her power is almost absolute and her aim is destruction. She will fight you with everything she has for control of your child.


January 9th-14th
January 15, 2019, 9:48 pm
Filed under: Eating Disorder aka Edie, Uncategorized | Tags: , ,

It’s been a time. Some days have felt like a week.

It’s really over, Christmas, and the house has never felt emptier. The only thing to do is clean it and trust that in emptying it, it will fill again.

I may have made a miscalculation in traveling to St. Louis this weekend, arriving the same time as the storm, the worst one in forty years. But it was the first weekend since her intake and I would not miss the chance to see her. I got stuck twice, and twice, people came out of nowhere to push my car further up the hill until I made it to the treatment center. We had an hour together, ran out of things to say, held each other in a corner of the day room. All the kids were having to camp out there at the treatment center instead of taking the van to their residence because the danger on the road was too great. Mostly girls, they were tucked up together in groups, huddled around their small screens, or talking on the phone with loved ones, some of them had feeding tubes worn casually taped to their cheek. I could not stop thinking about the novel “Never Let Me Go” by Kazua Ishiguro and the harvesting clinic and that image made me ill to my stomach, and still days later I cannot shake it. I had to head back to the hotel, a close call at the bottom of a hill when I could not stop my car at the red light, the cross traffic unable to stop either. A fresh round of snow starting in the morning sent me back to Louisville without seeing her again because I knew I would never make it back up those hills for the afternoon visiting hours. I drove home without being able to tell her that I was leaving.


Saturday night back in Louisville a late phone call from the girl. I’ve worked very hard to become someone who embraces solitude, who at the end of hard days can sleep without the arms of love wrapped tight. But I’m not there yet.

The grace of friendship.

The week begins again. Rehearsals begin too for Mary Poppins. Over 80 children in the cast. I will not want for things to do, I will not want for company. And Jess is better, medically she is better already, and emotionally she has come through those dark days, for now anyway. Grateful, grateful for the cheerful FaceTime just now, Jess standing on her head, her new friends jumping into the frame, smiling and laughing, feeding tubes and all. Sweet children in an anxious world.


January 4th & 5th
January 5, 2019, 8:11 pm
Filed under: Art of the Day, Eating Disorder aka Edie | Tags: , ,

A hard hard very hard couple of days.

My dear daughter has an eating disorder. Today I left her at a treatment facility where she will live for a while and get the help she needs. I am back home without her.


Some Days: December 2018